Emotional abuse can be particularly challenging for our kids, who may process social interactions and emotions differently. As parents and trusted adults, it’s vital to help autistic children recognize these behaviours, understand what they mean, and know exactly how to seek help.

For a child who sees the world literally, emotional abuse like "gaslighting" or "projection" can be terrifyingly confusing. This post explores six specific types of emotional manipulation, offering clear definitions and guidance on how to talk about them in a way that respects your child's unique perspective.

A Note on Language:

When talking about these topics, use clear, literal language. Avoid metaphors like "heartbroken" or "walking on eggshells" unless you explain them. Say "feeling hurt" or "feeling confused" instead.

1. Blame-Shifting

What It Is: When someone wrongly accuses another person of causing a problem to avoid taking responsibility themselves.

Example: A peer flaps their hands (stims) in class, and another student says, “I failed my test because your flapping distracted me!”—even though that student didn't study.

How to explain it: “If someone says you caused their problem, but you know you didn’t, that’s blame-shifting. If you are playing quietly and someone says you broke their toy even though you didn't touch it, that is not your fault. You can tell them: 'I didn't do that,' and then come tell me.”

2. Gaslighting

What It Is: Manipulating someone to doubt their own memory, reality, or what they saw with their own eyes.

Example: A classmate mocks your child's special interest, but later says, “I never laughed at you—you’re making that up,” making your child doubt their own memory.

How to explain it: “Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you think what you saw or heard didn’t happen. If you know you saw it, trust yourself. It’s like someone telling you that you didn't eat lunch when you know you just finished your sandwich. If someone tries to change your 'truth,' come talk to me.”

3. Deflecting and Red Herrings

What It Is: Avoiding responsibility by changing the subject or bringing up an unrelated topic (a "red herring") to distract from the real issue.

Example: Your child tells a friend, “You hurt my feelings by ignoring me,” and the friend replies, “Why are you so weird? Anyway, you didn’t share your snacks last week.” They bring up the snacks to avoid talking about the ignoring.

How to explain it: “Deflecting is when someone 'switches tracks' like a train to avoid a hard conversation. A red herring is an unrelated topic they throw in to distract you. You can try to stay on track by saying: 'I am still talking about my hurt feelings.'”

4. Minimizing

What It Is: Downplaying someone’s feelings to make them seem unimportant or "dramatic."

Example: A child tells a teacher they are upset about being teased for sensory sensitivities, and the teacher says, “It’s just a joke—don’t overreact.”

How to explain it: “Minimizing is when someone says your feelings are 'too big' or not important. But your feelings always matter. If you are sad and someone says it's 'no big deal,' that isn't right. Your emotions are valid.”

5. Projection

What It Is: Taking one’s own negative traits or insecurities and "pinning" them on someone else.

Example: A peer who is struggling with their own grades calls an autistic child “stupid” because they are projecting their own fear of failing onto someone else.

How to explain it: “Projection is when someone points at you and says you are doing something bad that they are actually doing or feeling. It’s not actually about you; it’s like they are looking in a mirror and shouting at their own reflection.”

6. Self-Victimizing

What It Is: When a person acts like the victim to avoid being held accountable for their own mean behavior.

Example: Your child confronts a peer for mocking them, and the peer starts crying and says, “You’re bullying me! Everyone is always mean to me!”—making your child feel guilty for standing up for themselves.

How to explain it: “Self-victimizing is when someone acts like you hurt them so they don't have to apologize for what they did. It’s a way to make you feel guilty so you stop talking about the problem. You haven't done anything wrong by speaking up.”

What to Do: Trusting the "Internal Compass"

For autistic kids, the most important step is learning to trust their "internal compass." If a situation feels "fuzzy," "sharp," or "wrong," encourage them to follow these steps:

  • Trust Your Feelings: If you feel upset, that is a signal. You don't need to "prove" why you're upset for it to be real.
  • Talk to Your Trusted Adult: Tell Mom, Dad, or a teacher you feel safe with. If words are hard, you can draw what happened or write it down.
  • Find Safety: You don't have to keep talking to someone who is making you feel confused. You can walk away to a quiet place or a comforting routine.

Final Thoughts for Parents

Emotional abuse often thrives in the "gray areas" of social interaction—areas that are already tricky for our kids. By giving them the vocabulary to name these behaviours, we are giving them armour. Validate their feelings, listen without judgment, and remind them every single day that their reality is real.

Knowledge is protection. By naming it, we disarm it.